before, i dont like dealing with people. not because i hate them. its because i dont know how to act with people around. all i know is to smile. coz for me, once i speak, people will hate me. im scared to make mistakes. i hate hearing ringtones (others or even my own), doorbell, interview, public speaking, spontaneous questions, netball, volleyball, paying money at the outlets, etc2..
im content with internet, headphone, silent mode of my handphone, puzzle solving games, comics, silently and secretly blog-hopping, making a novel of fantasy inside my head, seeing the world differently as i walk alone to avoid the butterfly in d stomach till it becomes a habit (which makes me can never remember the road..huh..)
when i saw the photo album when i was a child, im always with my mom, or my granny or alone. no friends. just my cousins. my social networking is so small since i was young. i dont remember my friends or stories happened in my kindergarten days. all i know, i always wait for my mum to get home.
futhermore, i was in the same school (pimary n secondary) with the same friends from standard 1 to form 5! 10 years!! n its a private school. we dont really get the opportunity to do friendly games with other govt. school evenmore that im not that brilliant n active at the same time. ive always wondered what i will be in the future. maybe a freak. hehe..
thankfully and gratefully, i'm involved in jamaah. ive always said to myself, eventhough u might be a BLACKHOLE to ur jamaah, just stay put! eventhough u r just a stone, eventhough u r just a tiny little barnacle at the bottom of the ship, just stick there. coz u r d one who need jamaah, u r d one who need da'wah.
ive changed a lot now. eventhough u cant really change the way u r, but im becoming a better person. i can give talk to a few people (still, not in public. ok!), i can answer calls without trembling, i can make calls ( this is a really hard thing for me), i like kids now, i try to be d first one to say hi when stumbled across anyone. i can buy things on my own (still, im afraid to buy things at fast food restaurant. weird ha!).
this is just a small side of me that have changed. there's a lot more. its just that it might be a bit too much. so, just let it be till here. tiny little things but precious to me.
still, my introvert self is not a bad thing either. ive strengthen them to make sure i use both parts of my brain. i involved myself with anything that got to do with media. i can go in front of a crowd by holding a camera. i can ask audience question as i am the interviewer ( this is still a bit hard to do!).
For me, Allah had always known what's best for me. Everytime, He put me in the right place at the right time eventhough im a really bad 'abid to HIM. it's just me to use whatever is laid in front of me wisely.
that all for now, bla..bla..bla..
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